Holidays and celebrations are hard for many people, for many reasons. Even before my pregnancy losses, these types of gatherings brought up complicated feelings—being around family and resurrecting old dynamics tends to do that. While I was grieving, holidays and celebrations were even more complicated.
The thing about these events is that they come with lots of expectations (and pressure). They’re supposed to be happy and fun and joyful. When I was grieving, I felt a big disconnect between myself and the world around me. I was lonely. Christmas was especially hard—there is just so much freaking jolliness, and I was anything but jolly. Plus, one of my babies was due on December 25—something that still casts a shadow over Christmas for me.
But it’s not just the big holidays that can be triggering. For me, Halloween was hard—all the kids in their cute costumes just broke my heart, especially the babies dressed as pumpkins or pineapples. Easter was hard because I was surrounded by nieces and nephews at family meals. It seemed like everyone’s family was growing but mine. Even the Fourth of July was difficult with people whooping and hollering during fireworks, seeming to flaunt their happiness, when I was sad and just wanted to sleep.
Weddings, birthdays—these were tough, too. I just couldn’t relate to everyone’s celebratory mood. I didn’t want to be in the middle of a dance floor. I didn’t want to play drinking games. I couldn’t imagine being that happy again.
Once upon a time, everyone’s holidays and celebrations were experienced only by them; now, with social media, we all get to witness the fun everyone is having. In this way, social media really has a way of amplifying feelings of loneliness—all those photos of people living their best lives, showing off their families and good fortunes, overusing #blessed. It seemed like everyone except me was happy “soaking up family time” or “relishing moments,” according to their captions. I can’t predict when a pregnancy announcement is coming, but holidays are predictable, and I had to learn to stay off social media during those.
My survival strategies for holidays and celebrations:
- Limit social engagements that require too much “faking it” (aka “Say no” whenever necessary).
- Focus on creating traditions that really mean something to me.
- Step away from social media.
- Be gentle with myself.
That last one is hard. I still beat myself up when I can’t feel what I think I should be feeling. I find myself asking, What is wrong with you? I know, logically, that nothing is wrong with me. It’s just that big “happy” gatherings—even virtual ones—tend to pick at the wounds left by loss.
They say “time heals all,” and I think that’s a lie. Time heals some, though. I have a few years of distance from my losses now and I don’t dread holidays and celebrations the way I did when my grief was fresh. In a way, I enjoy them more now. My losses have taught me that life is fragile and fleeting, so I’m grateful for moments of joy with people I love.
This post was written by Kim Hooper, with content excerpted from All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss.
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