Explaining the loss to your child is a process that might come up when you least expect it. It’s not a one-and-done—nor need it be. Here are some simple guidelines to help you along the way.
- Let your child’s needs guide you. If your child was aware of the pregnancy and was identifying as the older sibling, find simple, uncomplicated ways to convey what happened.
- Say it in 10 words. Keep explanations short and simple. Ten words or less is the gold standard because fewer words are less overwhelming (for adults, too), especially when delivering stressful information. Listen and answer questions, trying to stick with shorter responses for the time being.
- Help children separate who they are from the baby you lost. Likewise, help them separate you from the baby. A child might be scared they, too, will die like the baby did. Children (and adolescents) are still trying to figure out who they are apart from their parents. By the way, this happen to adults, too. A book that may help children (and grownups) with their fear is The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (author) and Geoff Stevenson (illustrator).
- Invite insights. Speak to your child in ways she can understand and say that together you will get through this. The more you invite their conversation, the more they know it’s OK to take time to figure out what the loss means to them.
- Be mindful of your own needs. Give yourself space to grieve. Perhaps a friend or relative could watch your little one to give you the time and opportunity to experience the intensity of your loss out of your child’s presence.
This post was written by Meredith Resnick.
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