“…[a]nger consists of physiological, cognitive, subjective, and behavioral components….”1
from Current Topics in Behavioral Neurosciences
Being in relationship with your anger is another way of saying being in relationship with yourself. This is important after a miscarriage. It means getting to know a facet of yourself better.
When it comes to the nature of anger and navigating this potent emotional space after a miscarriage, here are a few thoughts that might help:
- Anger is integral to the loss of a love. You love the person—your baby. And you miss them terribly. Contributing to your anger is that you may be enraged on your baby’s behalf and their siblings’, as well as your own.
- Your anger may frighten you. How it flares up, recedes, then explodes anew. Those “flare-ups” are akin to pure energy. Pure energy needs to be processed, mediated, channeled and released in order to be put to good use. While sadness gets a lot of the attention when it comes to grief, anger needs recognition, too. It requires you engage with it, notice it, come face to face with it. Working through anger is a process (ideas for ways to do it can be found below).
- You may not like your anger. You may want to push it away. You may feel frightened by your anger, it combustibility, especially if you have never felt the force of it to this extent before (and even if you have).
- It has been long established that, after a pregnancy loss, “typical maternal reactions … are shock, disbelief, sleeplessness, irritability, crying, sadness, rage, anxiety….”2 We know today that these and other emotions can extend well into years after the loss.
- Some people dread anger—yours and theirs. I have heard people say: “I don’t want to get angry.” This tells me that they already are angry and that they likely have some kind of feeling, perspective or judgment about their own rage or about anger in general. Try to view anger as the natural emotion it is, and one that needs proper care.
- Paying attention to one’s anger can help mediate its combustible force while preserving its value and meaning. During mourning, it may help to work through acute anger with the help of a licensed therapist.
Coping with anger: mind, body, spirit, brain
Here are some productive ways to interact with your anger in order to help process it. These suggestions are best used together to help you find balance within.
Physically:
Movement helps us feel better. Go for a walk. Burn off excess steam. It doesn’t have to be a hard workout. Intuitive movement, which is when you listen to your body and allow it to guide how it wants to move (regardless of what it looks like) is a terrific way to get in touch with emotion. There is no particular or given form associated with intuitive movement. It is whatever form your body wants to take.
Emotionally:
Make things with your hands. In The Art Therapy Sourcebook,3 Cathy A. Malchiodi, ATR, LPCC writes that “the process of art therapy and its potential to help people grow, rehabilitate, and heal also comes from the actual making of art.” So, while understanding what your art means is valuable, according to Malchiodi, “the process of making art is equally important.” The same goes for journaling, coloring, drawing, building, sewing, cooking, and similar activities that speak to you, but without an specific goal. The only requirement is that you make something. Follow your desire.
Intellectually:
Reading about pregnancy loss in longer works of literature including graphic memoirs or novels, watching films and documentaries, reading poetry, listening to lectures, and noticing the topic in current events can be helpful in giving the mind and brain a way to process and focus, too. Are there trends in the discussion of pregnancy loss? How do you feel when you read or watch? Do you agree with them? What’s your take?
Spiritually:
Meditate on what is troubling you. Write about it. Reread what you have written. Then write some more. Share your reflections with someone you trust who can listen with an open mind and heart. Take your thoughts to therapy. And, if you believe in a higher power, commune with this force as you work through your anger and other emotions that are a natural part of mourning.
If your anger escalates, lingers or doesn’t improve, as may happen during grief, seek help from a licensed therapist or consult your physician for a referral to one who can help.
References:
- Gilam G, Hendler T. Deconstructing Anger in the Human Brain. Curr Top Behav Neurosci. 2017;30:257-273. doi: 10.1007/7854_2015_408. PMID: 26695163.
- Leon IG. Psychodynamics of perinatal loss. Psychiatry. 1986 Nov;49(4):312-24. doi: 10.1080/00332747.1986.11024331. PMID: 3809320.
- Malchiodi, Cathy. ATR, LPCC. The Art Therapy Sourcebook. 2007. McGraw-Hill.
This post was written by Meredith Resnick, co-author of All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss.
