“Grief is a natural and universal response to the loss of a loved one. The grief experience is not a state but a process.”
—Saba Mughal; Yusra Azhar; and Waqas J. Siddiqui in the journal StatPearls.
Sadness over loss can feel endless, like being at the constant midpoint of a journey that keeps unraveling, getting longer the more you move forward. It may even feel like the more you grieve, the more you need to grieve. This can feel overwhelming and almost otherworldly, particularly after the loss of a baby in the womb or perinatal loss shortly after birth.
Let’s look at some of ways this happens.
Your precious body
In writing All the Love, and in speaking to my co-author, Kim, and others, a facet of this otherworldly pain has to do, paradoxically, with the tender fact of your body—its personal history, and zillions of cells and unique DNA. Your body connected you to your baby—and suffered the loss of that baby. Your body is healing physiologically but also emotionally, as it carries you through your grief.
Well of emotion
Feeling the feelings is one step in healing—and sometimes it is Step 1, albeit, on constant repeat. Tears of misery, loneliness, even inadequacy may flood you during sadness. (Tears of rage may occur, too…stay tuned for a post on that.) But this weeping serves many purposes, one of which is to create more “internal space.”
Having more internal space is one way of saying having more energy. Energy gives you strength. You need strength during grief as you endure intense emotion. There is wisdom in the body and how it knows to cry, to release, to fortify itself during mourning. This experience will evolve over the weeks, months and years to come.
This sadness and more
Mourning for you baby who died in the womb, the loss of your pregnancy or your miscarriage (or whatever you choose to call your experience of loss) can trigger deep emotion that may appear, initially, unrelated to your current suffering. For example, you may find yourself recalling past experiences that you do not readily connect to pregnancy. Though completely natural, it can be confusing, so talking to a licensed therapist can help navigate this important facet of griefwork.
Value what you alone are experiencing
Because grief is a very vulnerable process, we, naturally, tend to look for others who are feeling the same. This is helpful, but only to a point. Two people with seemingly the same type of loss—a miscarriage during the same week of pregnancy; repeated struggles to conceive or remain pregnant, for example—may appear to be experiencing the “same” grief. It can help to hear and see others who have lost babies grieve. It can help to listen to their stories. While it can be comforting to walk side by side with another in mourning, keep in mind that no two people will experience the same feelings of loss, or that their mourning process will match. But at some point you will be called (from within) to settle into your own meaning. That is ultimately what matters most.
A gentle reminder
Sadness is natural. It is nothing to apologize for. Sadness, however, is a rigorous emotion that requires a lot from you—mostly to be felt. This is simple but not always easy. And, yet, it’s necessary. So, be kind and gentle to yourself when you are sad. Be as compassionate to yourself as you would to a friend. Be that friend… to you.
If your sadness lingers or doesn’t improve, as may happen during grief, seek help from a licensed therapist or consult your physician for a referral to one who can help.
This post was written by Meredith Resnick, co-author of All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss.
