It’s no secret that I hope adoption becomes a first choice for more people. But that doesn’t mean it will. Or should. Or that I don’t understand the pain and disappointment women experience when they really, really want to get pregnant and can’t, or don’t. Adoption is not for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s also nothing wrong with longing to give birth.
At a writers’ luncheon I was seated at a table with six other women. We were somewhere between the salad and the main course, I think, when the conversation turned to motherhood. One of the women-she looked about 30-said she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for more than four years. That she’d just come from the reproductive endocrinologist-the fertility doctor. Then she bit back tears.
There was a collective gasp. Not because she was crying but because, according to some dining companions, she was taking herself a bit too seriously.
“You do seem tense,” one of them told her.
Well, um, yeah.
But then she went on to accuse the woman of this whole infertility thing being self-created. Another who had established she was a mother, grandmother and godmother pretty much agreed. “Just relax!” she said lightly, fanning a napkin in her lap. “Then it’ll happen!”
Ugh.
I know that during our attempt to have a baby people (I write, in All the Love, about the pressure I felt to conceive though, in fact, I’d always wanted to adopt a child) said many things and it hurt, despite the fact that I didn’t long for a baby the way I imagine this woman did. It may be true that relaxing promotes the body’s readiness for conception, but then again there are plenty of high-strung people walking around pregnant.
Between the You should try sex with the curtains open, and have your husband give you a nice long massage, comments and, Wear a sexy nightie, that always helps, advice, this is also what I heard:
Mother-of-two “Michelle”: Map your body’s temperature on a chart, dear! And remember that’s a basal thermometer, not the regular kind that tells you if you’re sick!
I-want-a-baby-but-not-yet “Bonita”: What are you waiting for? Get an ovulation kit and pee on those sticks that tell you when you’re going to ovulate! Those basal temperature readings don’t tell you a thing!
Philandering “Debbie”: Have sex every night, girlfriend! Your husband will like that!
Pregnant-for-the-last-time-this-time “Lori”: Have sex every other night to let the sperm build up! Besides, your husband needs a rest!
And so many people-I’ve lost track of numbers–said: Be patient, it’ll happen, and for goodness sake just relax.
Back at the luncheon someone said to her, “You can always adopt.” (Saying this doesn’t help anyone. Really.)
But I could tell, she didn’t want to adopt.
Baby showers were always the worst but the truth is any gathering of two or more women had the potential to get messy.
I wished that catching this woman’s eye and shrugging my shoulders could convey that I understood, but it insufficient. I never did think of the perfect thing to say-and maybe there is none-but in this case it didn’t matter. Somewhere between the dessert and coffee, and before the speaker who was going to discuss something about marketing your mission in life, she quietly got up and left.
***
This post was written by Meredith Resnick. It originally appeared on Psychology Today in 2009. Little has changed in the way people speak to those in the process of trying to conceive or struggling with the loss of a baby in the womb. Let’s be there for others and lift them up rather than “show” them what they are doing wrong or making a sport out of it.
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