In my work with both heterosexual and gay couples, intimacy after loss is often a tenuous topic to broach. It should be noted that the definition of intimacy for some couples could also include non-sexual touching or non-penetrative intercourse. Therefore, a couple can begin to develop emotional intimacy and some light physical intimacy before engaging in sexual intercourse after a loss.
There is often the misconception that the non-gestational partner is pressuring the gestational partner into sex and intimacy following pregnancy loss. However, in some cases, it is the gestational partner who is more ready following a loss.
According to psychologist and reproductive health specialist Dr. Jessica Zucker, there is no “one size fits all answer” to the question of returning to sex after a miscarriage. Zucker described one client who was ready to have sex after a stillbirth right away, because that was her way of “reclaiming” her body and feeling “in control.” However, in my practice, I have seen some women who are feeling “too raw and vulnerable” to engage in sex. Many feel disconnected from their bodies. One client described it as, “It feels wrong to feel pleasure out of a body part that just expelled my child.”
For some non-gestational partners, they have described feeling “disconnected” following a pregnancy loss. One partner stated, “I feel like my wife isn’t really there with me. Her body is there but her mind is elsewhere. I feel like she’s worried about so many things, and it’s hard to feel into it when she gets that way.” On the other hand, some couples report experiencing increased intimacy and closeness after re-engaging in sex.
In addition to negotiating feelings around sex itself, the couple needs to discuss if they will use any contraception, especially if the goal is to try to avoid pregnancy again. Also, it may be helpful to have a conversation about positions due to any potential pain or emotional triggers, and it may be helpful to discuss that some tears may be shed during the first few sexual encounters. Lastly, the focus should be on connection instead of reaching orgasm.
My main recommendation for couples is to communicate their needs, desires, and expectations for re-engaging in penetrative sex. Some couples are hesitant to have these types of conversations because they believe it “kills the mood,” but some couples later report that while the conversation was hard to initiate, it allowed for vulnerability, openness, and closeness, which created the perfect environment for mental and physical foreplay.
This post was written by Dr. Huong Diep, with content excerpted from All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss.
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